stormy--'s Diaryland Diary

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The Day I Came Back

So many times this past week I thought about coming on here and writing my deepest thoughts. And so many times I've chickened out. I've even thought about deleting this diary and floating back into obscurity.

I guess that's what happens when you bare your soul - even in this limited capacity where I can't believe anyone would read my words and, if someone did, they wouldn't know who I was. I know it shouldn't matter what I write here and all that I divulge. But it does. And to top off everything else I've been going through and feeling this past week, I've been feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and even a little stupid about what I wrote. But, I'm working on it.

My sister has noticed that I haven't been myself whenever we have talked on the phone. This past weekend she threatened to pack a bag and drive the 4-5 hours here just to check up on me. It took a boat load of false cheer and promises that I was fine to get her to stay home.

My sister doesn't know what happened to me five years ago. No one does. Well, I guess anyone who might have stumbled upon this little diary of mine now does. But I'm not going to think about that too much.

My sister and I tell each other almost everything. My best guess would be that it's a 95% to 5% ratio. This is just one of the big things that has happened in my life that I've kept from her. Five years ago when what happened - happened, I just couldn't tell her. The words just simply would not come out of my mouth. Besides, she travels a lot for work. Well, she did before this whole virus thing. I remember when it happened she was in New York City for 3 weeks. She would work 12 hour days, we would chat for 10 minutes as she changed her clothes in her hotel room, and then she would have dinner meetings pretty much every night. I didn't want to be a distraction.

I know my sister being busy sounds like an excuse because it is one. The truth is I just couldn't face her and see that look of compassion, worry, and pity on her face. It would have been too much to bare.

But I'm doing better than I was last week. It just really hit me hard. I can't tell you the last time I had a really good night's sleep and I've lost some weight. But I think that last one is only a temporary thing. Today I made sure that I didn't skip any meals and I even snacked on a handful of peanut M&Ms. I know there are a lot of women out there who would love to lose some pounds and would try hard to keep them off. But I'm not most women. I like my curves and I like having a body that's soft instead of bony. Today when I put on a pair of yoga pants they didn't want to stay up and actually slumped down my hips. And I just got them a month ago and wore them only 2 or 3 times. They fit me perfectly back then.

Oh.... I'm rambling.

It's stopped raining so I think I'll sit out on my porch swing for a little while and breathe in some fresh summer air.

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3:52 p.m. - 2020-06-23

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